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I have been trying - without much success - to sit down and compile all that has transpired the past month. With my older children - both pregnancy and birth came without much complication. Newborn days (and nights) were exhausting and hard - but there was so much joy in their arrival. Compiling my pregnancy journey and ultimately their birth story in their baby books was one I couldn't wait to write down!
But this story is hard and very raw to re-live. However, I know that if I don't try to capture this season - I will stuff the experience down in a dark, hidden place and Jax won't know how his little life - which struggled to thrive - was such a testimony to God's faithfulness. So, here we go...
DECEMBER 28, 2023
Working in ministry, I thought Christmas Eve would for-sure put me into labor. Spoiler alert: It didn't.
The week between Christmas and New Years was quiet. Kris was home with the kiddos and I spent the week at work trying to prepare for my Maternity Leave. My pregnancy had become incredibly uncomfortable, as I was experiencing intense stomach pains, acid reflux, restless leg syndrome, carpel tunnel, congestion, exhaustion, and just plain irritability with life! I had requested an elective induction, but was informed that because it was around the holidays, there was already a line of individuals whom the hospital was trying to schedule for necessary inductions and therefore - I shouldn't get my hopes up.
On December 28th (two days before my due date), I went into my afternoon prenatal appointment to find out I was still only dialated about 1 cm. I requested the doctor to strip my membranes, as I was desperate for anything to kick-start labor. I came home feeling bummed that labor felt nowhere in sight and decided to lay down for an hour (which turned into two). When I got up, I noticed I started feeling some cramping. I had my membranes stripped with my daughter which caused several hours of intensely painful back labor, and was gearing up for an evening of "false labor" pains. Over the next two hours; however, I noticed the cramping seemed to be more regular and intense. I decided to start keeping track to see if I was indeed having contractions.
As evening approached, Kris and I decided to call my parents to pick up the big kiddos, as it might be the "real deal" and we didn't want them to have to travel in the middle of the night. Because I had tested positive for Group B Strep (which I didn't have with my previous pregnancies), I was nervous about getting to the hospital early enough to receive antibiotics. I was told that I needed to be at the hospital at least four hours before delivering.
As we waited for my parents to arrive, I snuggled up with the kiddos on the couch to watch TV. Kris - to no surprise - was working on a house project. Before we went to the hospital, he was literally racing against the clock to put the finishing touches on a multipurpose room, as he scheduled someone to come in the next day to drywall. It wouldn't be a Hardy-labor story if it didn't involve Kris working on some project. #nesting
When we arrived at the hospital and got checked in, I learned I was already dialated 4 cm, from just a few hours earlier. This meant we would be admitted and baby Hardy was officially on his way!
Between the time I was admitted and the time I received the epidural, I had already progressed another 2 cm. The doctor decided that she wouldn't break my water, as she was hoping to slow labor down in order to provide me with enough time to receive two rounds of the antibiotics needed to protect baby from the Group B Strep. I knew we'd be in for a long night, and as the clock ticked past midnight, we anticipated baby Hardy would officially make his appearance in the early morning of December 29th.
Both my mom and Kris were with me through the night. Kris attempted to get some sleep - using his required face mask as an eye mask. And my mom stayed alert keeping me company (and distracted) with conversation. It was just like having an all-night sleepover!
DECEMBER 29, 2023
Once I received the full Group B Strep antibiotics, the doctor broke my water and the contractions became much more intense. I began to feel extremely nauseous and became sick to my stomach. Between the slowing down of the labor and the concoction of medicine I was receiving, I felt absolutely terrible. I remember getting very quiet and feeling as if everything around me was beginning to fade away and the only thing that would keep me going was getting the creature - I mean baby - out. The timing of delivery was less than ideal, as it happened within 30 minutes after a shift change. New nurses began to come into the room to introduce themselves and I remember asking if they could get a doctor to check me as I was feeling it might be time to push. It all happened so fast that I honestely can't even remember what doctor from the practice delivered our baby. In just two pushes, baby Jax made his arrival.
I immediately knew something was off. He arrived quite silentely (and purple). I kept asking: "Is he okay? Why isn't he crying?" Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the Nurse and NICU Nurse smacking his feet saying, "wake up baby." What felt like an hour, was most likely just a minute or two, before he began making sounds, turning pink and was placed on my chest. As they wheeled me to the recovery room, I made a passing comment about his sweet neborn squeaks - only to be informed that his "squeaks" were wheezing and they didn't like the sound of his breathing, so they would be monitoring closely.
Within the first hour of recovery I lost a signficant amount of blood. So much so that they were weighing the amount of blood loss and had the OB come check me out twice. There was fear of a possible postpartum hemmorage. My blood pressure was also quite high, which is significantly abnormal for me. In spite of these challenges, I felt elated that my baby was finally in our arms.
Over the next 24 hours, the doctor and nurses monitored Jax's breathing closely. It was deemed that because he had arrived so quickly/suddenly, he was a bit "stunned" and likely had amniotic fluid trapped in his little body that simply needed to get out. They assumed that once he began crying, he would clear his lungs and his wheezing would be improved.
I, too, was monitored for my blood loss. While borderline for a blood transfusion, my blood panel came back improved the next morning, the bleeding had become more stable, and my blood pressure - while high - was headed in the right direction. All doctors gave us the go ahead to go home.
DECEMBER 31, 2023 - JANUARY 15, 2024
There is something so special (and helpful) about having a large gap in your child's ages and going through post-partum later in life. While harder on your body physically, there is such wisdom and perspective gained. Going into the first days post-partum, I felt so much more prepared for the all day/night nursing sessions, the night sweats, the hormones, fatigue, and more. I also gave myself permission to take the first 10 days to stay home - let others do the chores - and focus on rest, recovery, and feeding baby Jax.
Eli stepped into his big brother (x2) role beautifully! His compassionate heart swooned over his little brother. He was always quick to offer to hold him and to help me with anything I needed. He even shared how much he couldn't wait to be a parent someday! Our (former) baby - Ava - had a little harder time adjusting. She was excited to become a big sister, but wasn't so keen on others teaching her how to care for baby Jax. She also was a bit frustrated to not have mommy's full attention.
Kris did an amazing job preparing the kiddos for what to expect with mommy, the baby, and their new roles. When I became overwhelmed and exhausted, he explained to the kids all that was happening with the baby, my emotions, and how they could help. He helped me to maintain their routines and rhythms, which allowed us to adjust more quickly as a team.
While Jax had gained weight at his 4-day check-up, I was diagnosed with a chronic sinus and chest infection, just six days after delivery and had to go on antibiotics. I was concerned this could impact my milk supply, but my Family Doctor deemed it to be the safest/best option. Jax continued nursing like a champ and I was hopeful we would stay on track with feedings.
However, in the days leading up to his 2-week check-up, Kris and I both noticed Jax becoming more lethargic. It was almost impossible for me to wake him up for his night-time feedings. I was continuing to wake him every 2.5 hours, but was spending about 30 minutes trying to arouse him to eat for just 8 minutes before he would fall into a deep sleep again. I called my SIL, who has taken a lactation course and she confirmed that he most likely is eating more during the day and could go for a bit longer at night between feedings, as he wasn't showing hunger cues.
JANUARY 16-JANUARY 20, 2024
Jax's 2-week check-up landed in the afternoon on Tuesday, January 16th. I was anxious to see how much weight he had gained. I layed Jax on the scale and saw that it showed 6 pounds. The nurse asked me to remove him and place him on the bed to be measured. My mind was racing. I asked the nurse how much he weighed, as I thought my sleep-deprived eyes read the scale wrong. She confirmed it was 6 pounds, but shared that the scale could be off. So we weighed him again.
6 pounds.
His birth weight was 7 pounds, 8 oz.
How is this possible? He was eating every 1.5-2 hours during the day and having BM that indicated he was receiving milk. He nursed until he appeared satisfied and slept well. How could he have dropped so much weight?
My heart was racing as a second nurse came in and took us to another room with a second scale.
6 pounds. At this point, I couldn't hold back the tears. Something was wrong with my milk/supply and our baby.
I assumed the doctor would come in and talk about supplementing. However, I quickly learned just how serious of a situation we were in. He shared that we would need to go directly to the hospital so that we could make sure Jax's electrolytes were stable and he could be assessed. He proceeded to call over to the hospital for a direct admission.
It felt like the rug was completely pulled out from under me, but the only thing that mattered was getting to the bottom of why he lost 20% of his birthweight in 10 days.
I immediately began texting my family and inner circle of friends/community, asking for prayer. When we arrived at the hospital, expecting to go to the pediatric wing, we found out we were being transferred to the NICU. And for some reason, this made everything feel even more heightened.
The first two hours were a whirlwind of doctors, nurses, tubes, and tests. Jax's temperature was just 94-degrees when we arrived. He was also extremely lethargic. A feeding tube was inserted, he was placed in the incubator, and talk of an IV was discussed if they couldn't increase his blood sugar levels. Absolutely nothing prepares you for seeing your baby hooked up to tubes and being fed through a feeding tube.
I had been nursing Jax around the clock and therefore, hadn't started pumping at home yet. But I knew if I was going to maintain my milk supply, I would need to pump every two hours so that I could keep up with his needs.
The first time I pumped was about 7:30 PM in the hospital. To my shock and disbelief, I only pumped 30 ml. Jax was expected to receive a minimum of 55 ml at each feeding (for his current weight), but more realistically should have been taking 70+ ml. At first, I thought it was because of all the stress and trauma my body and brain were going through, but at each subsequent pumping session through the night, I pumped less and less.
In the dark, morning hours - alone and scared in the NICU, I pleaded to the Lord to make it clear to me how to best care for our baby. I prayed that we could receive information, discernment and direction. I was panicked that my body wasn't producing milk like it had with my other babies and overwhelmed with whether or not I could make up the drop in supply. I prayed that we could find the root cause and weeped over the reality that my baby had been starving over the past 10 days and couldn't tell me.
By the Lord's grace, Jax's electrolytes came back stable the next day. It was an absolute miracle to learn that while his body was severly dehydrated and beginning to shut down, no permanent damage had been done. Over the course of the first 24-36 hours, we learned that baby Jax had a tongue and lip tie, which was preventing him from properly being able to nurse. He was deemed a "chomper." The Occupational Therapist (Janene) introduced us to several tools/techniques to help Jax drink from a bottle. At first, his little body was so exhausted from attempting to maintain his temperature and sustain life, that he still needed to be supplemented from the feeding tube, but we were encouraged to see his suction improve and his ability to begin to expel milk from a bottle.
I also had the opportunity to meet with the Lactation Consultant (Deb), who asked me to share my breastfeeding journey. She listened attentively and took down over a page of notes. When I finished sharing my story and concerns, she asked me several questions, including: what medicine was I taking and how much bleeding I experienced post-delivery. She also compassionately and confidently told me: "there is no mom-guilt allowed." She affirmed how much knowledge I had and that I was doing "all the right things." She shared that she would research my current medications and that my homework was to make a follow-up appointment with my OB, as I shared I had still been bleeding and passing tissue three weeks post-delivery. Her suspicion was that there could be some placenta left, which didn't trigger my body to produce milk.
Within an hour, she was already back in our room sharing her research. Two of my medications (one for anxiety and one for IBS), negatively impact milk production and can cause baby to be lethargic. With papers in hand and content highlighted, I couldn't believe what I was learning/hearing. Over the course of my pregnancy, I had seen my Family Doctor, OB, and GI-Specialist. All doctors knew I was planning on breastfeeding. While I had specifically inquired about the safety of the medicine for pregnancy, I hadn't even considered the impact it could have on milk supply. And sadly, none of the three doctors throught to check or bring this up with me as something to consider. It was becoming very clear that "making up the milk supply" was becoming less of an option. Deb shared that while she would be happy to work with me, she understood how vital my medicines were to my own well-being. She shared that I could explore alternative medications (if desired), but that if I also needed someone externally to affirm that "fed is best" - she is giving me that advice. In that moment, I knew she was my answer to prayer. I have navigated my physical and mental health to a good place over the past five years, and knew that formula could be a safe and healthy option for my baby. I did not feel comfortable trying to navigate my own mental/physical health on top of pumping and supplementing. I also knew there was no way I would trust my body again to nurse my baby and therefore, if I chose breastfeeding, it would mean pumping. Without skipping a beat or even allowing my emotions to play a part in the decision, I asked to move fully to formula for feeding Jax.
Due to the continued bleeding, I decided to also follow-up with my OB and scheduled an appointment for the next day. Sure enough, an ultrasound showed a portion of the placenta had still been retained in my body. I was given the option to take medication to see if it could be expelled on its own over the weekend, as opposed to scheduling a D&C. Again - I reached out to friends and family for prayer, but was so grateful this was caught in the NICU (of all places), as it can be life-threatening if not removed.
Within 48 hours, we had both answers and solutions that we couldn't have received elsewhere. As overwhelming, scary, and emotional it was to walk through this experience, I also saw the Lord's faithfulness in so many ways. There were so many little things that no one person could have ever caught, which added up to a BIG thing. The NICU is an incredibly special place. A place where every nurse, doctor and specialist is highly trained. A place where all specialists are actually working together as a team, which is so rarely seen in the healthcare industry. A place where there is no judgment in encouraging parents to find respite at home in-between hospital visits and caring for big kiddos.
I am honestly still trying to process all the emotions of what we just walked through and - to be completely vulnerable - trying to re-connect and bond with my baby. The time I spent nursing my littles helped me to develop such a special bond. This being removed - in addition to leaving my 3-week old in the NICU to come home to a full night's rest and my milk supply disappearing in a week- has made it feel like Jax isn't really mine.
But he is. And God chose me to be his mother.
Normally, I'd be emerging from my newborn fog at 1-month post-partum, but it feels like the NICU experience re-set the time clock. We are home and Jax is steadily gaining weight. The medicine expelled the remaining placenta and surgery will not be needed.
I can finally breathe.
Just be gentle with me when you ask: "How are you doing?" The road has not been easy, but each day we are doing better and - praise God - we are finding our new rhythm as a family of five.
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