Of course, this couldn't be further from the truth.  My mom has never once told me I'm a "bad mom" - and I can't imagine her ever saying these words.  But the dream represented an insecurity and fear that I had stepping into motherhood for the first time.  This time around, I keep dreaming Kris divorces me.  Again, Kris has never ever said anything negative about our marriage and he is one of the most committed, faithful, caring humans I know.  He loves me fiercely and unconditionally.  While I won't pretend to know what happens in our restful state that allows our subconscious to take over and play out scary scenarios in our minds, I can take some time to allow my rational brain to approach the fear head on and speak truth and reason to my conscious brain. 

What is Changing? 

In addition to laying my questions and fears before the Lord and diving into scripture, I've found Podcasts to be an incredible tool when I find myself getting "stuck" in different areas of life.  Over the past week I listened to several Podcasts which addressed anxiety, change, and fear - but the one that resonated with me most posed two simple questions to ponder: (1) What is Changing and (2) What am I Worried About?

In The Lazy Genius Podcast: Episode #323 - How to Lazy Genius a Big Change, Kendra Adachi breaks down these two questions to provide understanding and context around big change.  She explains that we first must ask ourselves, "What is Changing."  When we answer this question, we want to be as specific as possible.  Sure, I could say: "We're adding a baby to our family."  And while this is true - it doesn't fully represent all that is changing in my life.  

So what is changing?

• We are becoming a family of five.  We will be outnumbered.  Will one persone feel left out?  

• Our freedom.  Our big kids are fairly self-sufficient.  They can follow instructions; bathe themselves; feed themselves; dress themselves, etc.  Welcoming a newborn means giving up some of that perceived freedom, as my life will revolve around feeding and sleep schedules. 

• My body.   It has definitely been harder experiencing pregnancy in my late 30's, as opposed to my late 20's.  Ashamedly, I've been way more self-conscious and critical of my changing body this time around - much in part, having run a marathon just two years ago and being in peak physical fitness.

• My relationships.  Not only will my relationships with my husband and big kids be impacted, but so will my relationships with friends, as my time and priorities shift for a season in which I am navigating baby life and all that goes with it once again.

• My energy levels and ability to multi-task.  While pregnancy certainly impacts energy levels - it is nothing compared to sleepless nights and round-the-clock feedings.  My ability to juggle multiple tasks, projects, and responsibilities with a seemingly unlimited amount of energy is changing.  My expectations of myself and even work priorities must be realistic and adjustable. 

What am I Worried About?  

• Postpartum anxiety and depression.  My top fear/worry revolves around how I will manage my emotions postpartum.  Even though its been (almost) seven years since my last postpartum experience - those weeks, months, and years following Ava's birth was when I hit my lowest and darkest moments.  In spite of the many changes in my life and the tools/resources that I've put in place to manage my anxiety - there remains a low-grade panic that I could go back to that dark season. 

• The health of our baby.  In terms of pregnancy risks - this has been one of the healthiest, smoothest pregnancies I've experiencd; however, with my "advanced maternal age," worries about the health of our baby creep in. 

• Will I be good enough?  My inner critic is in overdrive - constantly making me doubt that I'll have the capacity to juggle three kids and I'll fail to be able to provide for what the baby needs - while at the same time, being there for my big kids.  

• Our family drifting apart.  I want Kris and I to remain a strong family unit.  It's strange bringing a baby into a season where older children are involved.  Sometimes it feels like everyone is being pulled in different directions (school, work, sports, community etc.) and I have a fear that the baby and I will feel "trapped on an island" while the rest of the family keeps moving forward. 

As you read through my above worries - you may easily be able to "debunk" them or you may be quick to tell me how irrational they are.  Your worries (about a similar experience) may look completely different because we are unique beings with unique experiences.  And though I am immensely grateful for my faith and the hope and trust I can place in the Lord - it isn't a magic bullet for curing irrational fears and anxiety.  

You may not be facing the change of a "new baby" being added to your life, but I imagine that most of you reading this are facing change.  Whether it is sending your child off to Kindergarten for the first time, or becoming an empty nester; career change, relationship change, health changes, and more.  Change is inevitable, and can bring about insecurity, doubt and fear.  

For me - taking some time to journal about these two questions: What is Changing and What am I Worried About - has allowed me to glean some perspective and focus during this changing season of life.  Being able to name what changes I personally am experiencing and what worries I personally am facing, are allowing me to pray specifically through areas that are weighing heavy on my heart and soul.  

I hope that if you too are facing a change that you'll find this tool, and these questions, to be just as helpful as I have.